Writing... It's what I do.

So, my life is being divided between the usuals (Asher, Jeremiah, cleaning... World domination) and Skyrim. Yes, I've fallen into that trap. No one is immune. Shut up. But lately, when I'm not doing all those thing, I've been really into my writing. See, I have this book that I have been working on for the past... ummmm... 3 years, or so, and sometimes I just explode into all these really good ideas and then spend every second of my free time writing. This past week I've managed to go from 4,983 words to a whopping 18,378 words! I know that for some of you illustrious authors, this isn't much, but with all I have to do in my crazy life (that Wood Elf isn't going to level up herself!) that's a huge accomplishment for me.

It's always been a life long dream of mine to become an author. I wrote some of the cheesiest, most poorly written (much like this blog) stories back when I was a young teenager, but after I hit 16, I knew for a fact that this is what I really wanted to be. I overdosed on English and creative writing, and I really think that (and the fact that I'd read 500 page books in less than a week) has really made me into a pretty imaginative character. 

One thing that I'm torn about is actually finding someone to read my writing for me. I mean, this blog is one thing. I never really write about things that might be embarrassing to me (now, anyway), but when you spend years pouring your heart and soul into something, it's scary to have someone else pick up and evaluate your work. . .

Anyway, calling all editors who will at least be civil when they tell me they hate my work. Heh. Heh.

My Evening Thoughts...

Sometimes. . . Life isn't fair.

Stupid Doughnut-Eating Cops and Stupid Moms.

Yesterday was the worst day I've had in a long time. . . For some stupid reasons, but one big reason. Here, let me just tell you about it. . .

I got up around 6:30, which is close to when I usually get up and did some laundry. Jeremiah and Brad were working on the roof, and they wanted me to go get them coffee and doughnuts, which I was more than happy to do because I'm amazing. Heh. So, I got myself all prettied up (because I never go out anymore!) and went looking for this doughnut place I'd seen a few times. There were cops EVERYWHERE!! So, I had to go the speed limit the whole time and when I finally got to the doughnut shop, they'd closed down! What the crap?! Apparently, they saw all the cops driving around and got the heck out of Dodge. . . Doughnut lovin' folks that they are. . .

I changed directions (still going the speed limit), and headed to Coffee and Playhouse instead. Jere and I know the people who run the place, so they usually will make us our drinks all special, because they're just THAT cool. When I got there, they were out of doughnuts as well, and Cindi was behind the counter. Now Cindi. . . Bless her heart. . . Cannot make drinks like Ronnie (the owner) and she couldn't make me a flavored iced tea, so I ended up not getting anything, because everything else was too freaking fattening, and I'm trying to be the opposite of that.

Sad.

Day.

Anyway! About 40 minutes later, I was changing Asher on his changing pad that I'd place on the bed, and his diaper was horrible. I had to run into the kitchen to get a plastic bag to throw it in after I'd put a new one on him. . . And not 5 seconds after leaving him in there. . . I heard the thump and the scream. . .

He'd fallen. . . Face first. . . Off my bed.

I rushed in there and scooped him off the floor as quickly as possible. My heart was beating so hard, I thought it was literally going to explode, and my poor baby was screaming bloody murder. I laid him on the bed and checked every inch of him for bumps and bruises and anything else that might indicate where he was hurt, but I couldn't find anything. Then I noticed that even though he was screaming his head off, he was barely opening his mouth. I panicked and ran outside to get Jere.

I thought for sure he'd broken his jaw or something. I started shaking and crying and blabbing about how stupid I was and it was all my fault. I could have died. Thankfully, Jeremiah is much more level headed than I am when it comes to our son, and after a few minutes, he found that Ash had a little tiny cut on the inside of his lip. That was all that happened to him from the fall.

I couldn't be more thankful that my little boy is alright, but honestly, I still cannot believe how stupid I was. Jere and Brad both tried to make me feel better; telling me that every baby gets dropped at least once and that they've dropped kids before and let them fall, and they're fine. . . But still. . . This is my baby and it honestly was my fault that I let him fall. If I would have taken 2 seconds and pushed his changing pad to the middle of the bed, none of that would have happened. We had to feed the poor thing from a dropper last night, because his sad little lip hurt to much to take a bottle. It broke my heart.

Today, he's much better though. He slept good last night and he was all smiley and sweet when I got him out of his crib this morning. I still feel completely retarded and like a horrible mother for letting that happen to him, but I guess that's a lesson learned. I need to get use to the fact that he can roll over now. That would probably make things a lot easier on the both of us.

Rasia's My Gypsy Name

So, I awake with insomnia again, watching LA Ink. . . Because I'm a loser. Haha! And it's times like these that my mind runs rampant when I should be sleeping. I've been thinking about things I want to do in the future. Thinking about moving back to Tennessee. Nashville! I'm honestly so stoked, I can't believe it. Not going to lie, I'm going to miss this house. Jeremiah and I put a lot of our own personalities in it and worked really hard to make it ours, so I think I'm going to probably shed a tear or two when we leave. I've always been a bit of a gypsy at heart though, so I'm ready for a new house and a new city and a new adventure.

I feel a little bit bad that I didn't really take advantage of trying to get to know Decatur a little bit better while I was down here. I mean, it's not like Decatur is the most amazing town ever, but, surprisingly, it does have quite a bit to offer. Huntsville is pretty cool too. I mean, we found a German coffee shop the other day. Ugh! After a year living here, I'm just discovering the amazing aspects, and now we're leaving! Oh well. I'm totally going to Google EVERYTHING to do in Nashville and Franklin and I'm going to do as much as I can. I want to know my new town. It helps that Jere and I lived in Columbia for 8 months. I sort of got to know that general area a little bit.

I'm so looking forward to uprooting and planting my family in another town. I really love moving. . . Not the whole packing thing. It sucks, especially since I always end up doing it alone, which is super tough. . . But Jeremiah and I both have wanderlust in our blood and have talked about all the places we want to move over the course of our lives. . . I would totally name all the places, but then whoever reads this would be like, "Bwahaha! Never gonna happen!" So, we'll just see what happens in the future!

I totally could move somewhere different every year or two. If it wasn't for Asher being so little, I think Jeremiah and I would be total gypsies and live in his car. Hopefully, he's got the nomad in his blood too, and  will be totally up for us sticking him in a backpack and trekking across Europe with him in a few years.

OK, I'm being boring. . . I don't know why I'm even posting this. >_<

No Regrets when Looking Back: My Thoughts.

(Random thoughts. . . Forgive the roughness of my ramblings. . .)

I know a lot of people who regret things they've done. Things they haven't done. Things they started and never finished. I use to be one of those people up until a few weeks ago, when I realized that living regretting all your mistakes is a bondage! It's hard work to keep kicking yourself for mistakes you made and for missed opportunities and for making wrong choices! I'm not saying that you should go through life intentionally making mistakes and never asking for forgiveness or repenting, but if you've already been forgiven, you should be moving on!

There are a lot of things that I did or didn't do in the past that still make me cringe when I think about it, but I've been forgiven and set free from those things. I sometimes feel bad that I never went to college (because I'm so old now, I could never go! Haha! Just kidding!), but why should I let that fact weigh me down? Instead of letting those things rule my life, I've come up with a new game plan for myself. . . I'm going to live my life intentionally! Live every day like it's on purpose! I'm barely 21 years old, and I was acting like my life was already over! Shocking fact, there IS life and purpose after high school!

I've just decided, no more sitting around and wondering what could have been, or what I could have been, or what I could have done. I'm going to live the life that God's given me now! I'm going to go to college someday. I'm going to tour Europe with Jere and Asher in the future. I'm going to get back into playing piano and acting and I'm going to be good at it! And who knows? Maybe this stuff is not going to happen for a few more years, but (unless it's not in His plans for me) I'm the only one holding myself back!

So, basically, I've made a list of things that I want to do this year. None of them may seem like a big deal to anyone else, but they're things that I want to get done. To accomplish. I don't want to look back anymore and wish that I could have done something and didn't. . . No more regrets, startiiiiiing. . . Now!

Every new day is another chance to change your life!

The Anatomy of Worship, Part 3: It's Not About Appearances.

This will be a relatively short post, as I haven't been doing a lot of delving this week (uh oh), but I had a revelation this morning about worship that I thought I'd share. . .

I had decided that I would listen to Jon Foreman this morning during my housework. He's such an amazing artist and his worship songs are so new and refreshing to me. I love listening to him! He has a song on his worship album entitled "Instead of a Show". I usually skip that song, not because I don't think it's relevant to worship, but because it's just never been one of my favorites,. I didn't skip it today, however, and while listening to the lyrics I was struck with the thought that God is not impressed with our worship.

Whuuuuuuuuut?!

I know. . . I thought the same thing.

It wasn't as though I was under the impression that every time I raised my hands or jumped around that God was looking down at me from Heaven like, "Oh, yes! That Shelby is such a talented Worshiper! I'm impressed with her skills! I give her a 10 out of 10!" No. I never consciously thought that. . . But I'm sure somewhere in the back of my mind, I figured that He was at least pleased with me for the way I was worshiping. I mean, I was impressed with my humbleness in lifting my hands (even though EVERYONE was raising their hands too).

God's not looking for a show though! God is not looking to be entertained by our worship! In fact, unless you feel lead by the Holy Spirit to lift your hands or dance or whatever, then that's all a show! God doesn't look at man on the outside like we do. He sees past the exterior and gets straight to the Heart. He sees right away if our Hearts are pure before Him and sincere in our worshiping of Him. The show we put on for others in our worship isn't even noticed by the Lord, which is why it's important to prepare our Hearts before Him for worship. Whether we're in a church or alone in the living room, out Hearts are what we need to sing and dance and praise Him!  And then through the sincere worship in our Hearts, we can praise him outwardly, honestly, with our hands and voices. . .

But You Don't Know Me. (No You Don't Know Me)

You judge me because you don't know me, 

And you won't get to know me because you think you already do.

I've done some bad things in my past. Somethings that only the Lord and I know about, somethings that everyone knows about, somethings that only my family and close friends know about. . . All of them I've asked forgiveness from. I've repented in tears for them, but to this day, I still suffer the repercussions of them. I have my own regrets and when someone reminds me of the things that I have done, I relive the whole experience and once again beat myself up over it.

Although I give the advice to move on and get over things to others, I don't really follow that path all the time. I dwell on what I've done in the past too much. Not because I have some unrepented sin or haven't been forgiven by God, but because I'm reminded of my sins through the way others treat me. They still treat me like the girl who use to cut and who rebelled terribly against her parents. Who loved the darkness. They still bring up things about the Lord to me, like I haven't already poured myself out to Him. I just don't know what I have to do to prove myself to them. To show them that I have changed. The life that I live now is not a farce and I love the Lord! I love my life! I love everything that He has blessed me with! I love my family! I'm generally a happy person, but I feel like everyone sees me through an opaque veil that they refuse to remove and see me for who I am now. I've tried desperately to show that I've become someone else.

I've prayed that something in them will soften towards me and they'll stop judging what I've done and instead see how I am now. I've spent hour in tears, on my face, because I feel like I have sunk too far in everyone's sight to ever rise again or be thought well of. I don't know what I have to do to make everyone know who I am now. It sucks being looked down on. It's so hard to try to live your life for the Lord when you see everyone else regarding you as someone who's so far away from God that they ask people to pray for my salvation. It makes me wonder why I try, and I have to turn back to Him and ask Him to forgive me and keep me going regardless of what other people think of me.

I have no happy conclusion to this blog. I feel extremely sad right now. My heart is so broken and I feel like I've come to the edge of giving up and the slightest push will send me falling over. I need prayer. I need to know what the Lord wants me to do. If you can just take a minute to give a quick prayer for me and for the ones that have been viewing me in past tense form, I'd be forever grateful. I just don't want to feel condemned anymore. We're suppose to feel free in Christ, but I'm letting this bind me when I should know better. So, just pray. . .

Until next time,
Shelby~