The Anatomy of Worship, Part Two: My Mocking Voice

It's so hard for me to even listen to worship music when I'm writing this blog. Phrases like, "Behold the Man upon the cross, my sin upon His shoulders. Ashamed I hear my mocking voice call out among the scoffers" and "I'm forgiven, because You were forsaken. I'm accepted, You were condemned", make me choke on whatever beverage I happen to be drinking. I get this enormous tug in my heart, like there's a hidden string in there being jerked tightly. I feel tears coming to my eyes.

I'm not a crier. I don't cry when I get hurt, or when someone's being a jerk to me (most of the time), but whenever I hear what I did with my sin and my wicked heart to the Savior, it literally feels like a piece of me dies at that moment. During worship, I've had visions of myself spitting on Him and slapping His face, already beaten beyond recognition. I've seen myself jeering with the rest of the World at His broken, bleeding body nailed to the cross, adding to the humiliation that He had already suffered. His blood leaving stains on me as I've mocked Him. Oh, Jesus, I can't even begin to imagine what you went through.

As if the physical pain wasn't already enough, He had all the sins of the World on Him. Have you ever thought about that? I mean really thought about it? Those 9 hours He hung with unbearable pain coursing through His sinless body, He took on the sin on every single person who has ever lived and ever will live. Every single lie ever told, every murder ever committed, every rebellious act, every sexual sin, every evil thought, every bit of hatred that mankind has ever felt for one another and for Him. He took it on for those who would come to love Him, and even for the ones who would reject Him all their lived. I can't fathom what that must have been like. I know what it feels like to have one unrepentant sin weighing down on me, and man, it hurts so badly. But that one sin (though it's still sin) cannot compare to having the sin of every individual ever created put upon You. Willingly, I might add!

In the moments I hear the sad reminder of what my sin has done, I break down. I have lain prostrate on my face before the Lord, because my legs are too weak to stand. I can't help but feel ashamed. Tears of sorrow bleed down my face for what I've done. No matter how "little" my sin may have seemed, it crucified my Lord. But then. . .

I'm reminded that He loves me. I know, I know. It sounds simple and cliched. . . But He loves me! The one who spat on Him by willingly sinning. The one who shares in the blame for why He came to Earth in the first place. The one who rejected Him over and over and over and over and over. . . When He felt all my sin on Him, He thought of me, individually, and He didn't feel anger towards me or resentment for having created me. He felt compassion on me and a longing to save my soul from Hell, because He loves me! Oh, my beautiful Savior! I can't imagine loving someone that much! How can I, as a pitiful sinner myself, not forgive someone for their slight offenses against me, when Jesus forgave me for doing all THAT against Him and came out loving me still?

All of this to say, that one thing that I have discovered about worship this week, is that it leads to repentance. I have come before the Lord hard-hearted and bitter, but it never fails. . . when I open my heart to Him in worship, I come out with a sense of freedom and a greater love than I had felt for Him earlier. He is loving and forgiving and compassionate, and I daily long to be reminded of that.

Continue praying for me as I keep discovering what the Lord has for me in this quest of worship. I don't know if any of you have a worship time when you have your quiet time, but I strongly suggest that you start. Reading the Word and prayer is important, but nothing really opens the heart to God more than standing, hands raised, to Him in complete surrender. If you decide to start doing this, please, leave me a comment and let me know how it goes and what the Lord has shown you in your worship time. Also, if you know of anyone who might be interested in reading my blog, feel free to share this with them over Facebook or Twitter or whatever internet social site has corrupted your life. . . (Just kidding.) Until next time, love in Jesus. <3

(To be continued. . .)