But You Don't Know Me. (No You Don't Know Me)

You judge me because you don't know me, 

And you won't get to know me because you think you already do.

I've done some bad things in my past. Somethings that only the Lord and I know about, somethings that everyone knows about, somethings that only my family and close friends know about. . . All of them I've asked forgiveness from. I've repented in tears for them, but to this day, I still suffer the repercussions of them. I have my own regrets and when someone reminds me of the things that I have done, I relive the whole experience and once again beat myself up over it.

Although I give the advice to move on and get over things to others, I don't really follow that path all the time. I dwell on what I've done in the past too much. Not because I have some unrepented sin or haven't been forgiven by God, but because I'm reminded of my sins through the way others treat me. They still treat me like the girl who use to cut and who rebelled terribly against her parents. Who loved the darkness. They still bring up things about the Lord to me, like I haven't already poured myself out to Him. I just don't know what I have to do to prove myself to them. To show them that I have changed. The life that I live now is not a farce and I love the Lord! I love my life! I love everything that He has blessed me with! I love my family! I'm generally a happy person, but I feel like everyone sees me through an opaque veil that they refuse to remove and see me for who I am now. I've tried desperately to show that I've become someone else.

I've prayed that something in them will soften towards me and they'll stop judging what I've done and instead see how I am now. I've spent hour in tears, on my face, because I feel like I have sunk too far in everyone's sight to ever rise again or be thought well of. I don't know what I have to do to make everyone know who I am now. It sucks being looked down on. It's so hard to try to live your life for the Lord when you see everyone else regarding you as someone who's so far away from God that they ask people to pray for my salvation. It makes me wonder why I try, and I have to turn back to Him and ask Him to forgive me and keep me going regardless of what other people think of me.

I have no happy conclusion to this blog. I feel extremely sad right now. My heart is so broken and I feel like I've come to the edge of giving up and the slightest push will send me falling over. I need prayer. I need to know what the Lord wants me to do. If you can just take a minute to give a quick prayer for me and for the ones that have been viewing me in past tense form, I'd be forever grateful. I just don't want to feel condemned anymore. We're suppose to feel free in Christ, but I'm letting this bind me when I should know better. So, just pray. . .

Until next time,
Shelby~